Boundaries

Quid Pro Quo (Definition: The giving of one valuable thing for another. Equal substitution. Equal exchange. Tradeoff.)

There was a time in my life when someone who did something for another walked away feeling appreciated. Phrases like “I owe you one!”, “How can I ever thank you?”, “I hope someday I can return the favor” meant something to both the giver and the receiver. And they were not empty phrases – the recipient frequently would follow through with a way to repay the favor—and not so far down the road that it was meaningless. Lately, I have heard several people relate stories about their children and other relatives who continue to receive from the same giver and rarely, if ever, reciprocate.

I should reveal a layer of myself here. I’ve always been a people pleaser. And that has been a trait that has presented me numerous occasions to adopt the persona of a doormat. When I first heard Dr. Phil say, “You teach people how to treat you,” I thought someone had written him about me. Though I’ve gotten a little better and say “Sorry, No,” a lot more often than I did a few years ago, I can tell from my schedule that I still have work to do. As I write this, I see myself in these examples. I hope that if you see yourself in any of these scenarios, you’ll start to realize your value and join me in “KNOW Power – KNOW when to say NO” to people – even loved ones – whose demands tend to go way beyond your supply.

Young married adults who have been offered great employment with numerous perks still expect their parents to repeatedly pay the dinner bill when dining at restaurants they’ve suggested. With the ease of working remotely, a growing family returns to town repeatedly and expects to stay for an extended period of time with relatives, regardless of extenuating circumstances. Grandchildren move in with a single grandparent and expect her to cook their dinner, do their laundry, clean up after them, and never offer to shovel snow, pay for groceries, mow the lawn, or help with household chores. A family member frequently believes a parent’s time is not as important as their own and expects the parent to do things for them, regardless of what the parent may have planned or other factors affecting their schedule.

These are just a few examples of what my parents called “milking” or taking advantage of someone. And I’m not sure who’s to blame — the giver or the receiver?

Bridge

What happened to the quid pro quo? When did repaying a favor cease being a usual response to another’s help or hospitality? Let’s take a look at both sides. For example, parents love their kids and want to see them, so if the only way that happens is if they pick up the tab for dinner, some might believe the “At least I get to see them” is quid pro quo. And grandparents love to spend time with their grandchildren, so if the young ones need a place to stay for a few nights and firm guidelines have not been established, they’ll certainly get to see their grandchildren every day. But, chances are they’ll also see dirty laundry lying on their bedroom floor and hear the grandkids laughing at a TV program while Grandma is washing the dishes after cooking them a full-course meal. And the “few nights” could easily turn into a few weeks…or, God forbid, months!

John E. Jones said, “…what gets rewarded gets repeated.” So, it appears consistency is key. If the recipient consistently gets the reward they’ve sought from the giver and never feels compelled to reciprocate, you can wager that the behavior will continue. Truth: If you consistently open up your home to your kids and their offspring and consistently do so without setting timelines or boundaries, you will consistently have houseguests that overstay the lingering scent of fish gone bad. More truth: That family member who consistently can guilt you into giving them first rights over your time will never respect your schedule and will always expect you to give them precedence.

Blesson

God wants us to be “cheerful givers.” However, if all your giving to others is causing you to be angry, frustrated, depressed, and anxious, that’s a good time to tell yourself that your own needs aren’t being met, and your giving is out of compulsion and enabling others’ selfish, irresponsible behavior. When you see the demand has gone way beyond your supply, perhaps it’s time to set some boundaries. Jesus did.

Jesus found it necessary to separate Himself from people so He could be alone with His Father. In so doing, the time He spent alone with God refreshed Him, thereby enabling Him to respond to people with compassion and kindness. He consistently relied on the time with His Father for rejuvenation. He also didn’t feel the need to say “Yes” to every need someone had, nor did He always do what people wanted Him to do.

It’s all about balance. It’s wonderful to give of ourselves to others now and then — our time, resources, and strengths; however, just as it was with Jesus, we have limits, and overextending ourselves for the benefit of others will continue a monotonous cycle of feeling used, taken advantage of, and running on empty. So let’s agree that the next time we find ourselves feeling more used and less like a “cheerful giver,” let’s remember to exercise our “KNOW Power – KNOW when to say NO.”

Substance

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